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There’s a fine art to giving compliments. If you give too few, you’re missing out on a golden opportunity to improve your relationship. Too many and you risk coming across as flattering and insincere. So, how do you find the happy medium?

The first thing to be aware of is that everyone is different. Some people receive many compliments, especially if they are talented or good looking. If this is the case, then they will be used to it, and they may even be mildly irritated by someone complimenting on something obvious about them. For these people, reduce the number of compliments you give. Less is more! Also, try to compliment these people on things that are not obvious. For example, if somebody has great looks, don’t compliment them on that, but find something else to compliment them on, such as their excellent small talk skills (if they have them).

Other people are not used to receiving compliments, and for these people, increase the number of compliments you offer. They will appreciate the compliments more than others because they are unusual for them. To determine whether your date receives many or few compliments, you need to find out a bit about them. If there are many things about them that could be complimented, then chances are good that they receive a lot of compliments. On the other hand, if there are not many things that could be complimented, they probably don’t receive compliments a lot.

Study their body language as you give out the compliments to see what sort of effect they are having. You can often tell whether someone is happy to receive a compliment, or annoyed.

On a first meeting, the best advice is not to offer any compliments. You don’t know the person yet! They will be suspicious of your motives, and if you offer a compliment then you’ve practically hung a sign round your neck that says, “I want to date you!” This will seem desperate, and people who are desperate to get into a relationship are not attractive! On a first date, however, there may be a fantastic opportunity to deliver a big compliment. Something like, “You look absolutely stunning.” It obviously has to be true; don’t use this one if, on your first date, you’re both dressed in jeans and T-shirts! Look for this opportunity, and try to only offer one big compliment. Thereafter, try to offer big compliments not more frequently than once a month, otherwise you will come across as flattering.

For second dates and following, hopefully you will have gathered enough information to know how frequently you should compliment them. This will come through experience.

There are specific circumstances under which you are expected to offer a compliment. These exist when your date has accomplished something out of the ordinary. For example, maybe they’ve been learning to sing, and they’ve just sung a song on stage in front of an audience for the first time, in which case it could be something like, “I really enjoyed your performance! I hope to hear many more!” (Only use that if they were good at singing; if they were not good, perhaps praise their courage for singing on a stage.) Maybe they’ve just passed their driving test, in which case it may be, “I knew you could do it! That’s fantastic, and you did it on your first attempt!” This should come immediately you become aware of the accomplishment, and are able to speak to them again.

Sometimes, people are really not used to receiving compliments, and they can become quite shy when they are offered, avoiding eye contact, or perhaps even hiding their face from view. This will generally be the case if the person receiving the compliment has received few compliments before. If this occurs, offer reassurance that you are offering genuine praise, and that they have nothing to be ashamed or shy about. Only by offering compliments and getting your date used to receiving them can you break this habit.