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Let’s say there is a situation with which you are uncomfortable. Perhaps the situation is asking a girl to dance, or flirting with a man. Why are you uncomfortable with it? It’s probably because you’ve thought of all the possible things that could go wrong! If you’re a man, it probably goes along these lines: You approach a girl in a supermarket, thinking, “Why on earth would she want to go out with me?” Everybody is staring at you in your imagination, and they are all wondering why this loser is approaching the girl who is obviously going to reject him. When you get to the girl, you say, “I don’t suppose you might want to have a cup of coffee with me sometime?” The girl laughs, and says, “Go out with you? You’ve got to be joking!”

If you’re a girl, you’re probably thinking that the guy would shrink from your approach if you touch his knee, snapping, “You’re far too forward for your own good!” while walking away from you, never to be seen again.

The first thing to do is to step back from your imagination, and compare it with reality. Neither of the above situations are likely to occur. In practice, very few people are likely to be watching you as you approach the girl in the supermarket. They are all concentrating on getting the fruit and veg that they need. Yet, because you have imagined the worst case scenario, you either freeze into inaction, or if you happen to pluck up the courage to ask the girl out, you’re giving off so many subtle “I’m not confident” body language signals that the girl will pick up on these and you will be rejected. As you reach for his knee, your movements are so jerky, and you look away, and the man thinks, “What am I doing with this girl, who doesn’t have any confidence at all?” He pulls away from you and you get rejected.

You need to reframe the sequence of events in your imagination. You’ve imagined yourself failing; you may well be good at that. What you need to do is to imagine yourself succeeding. Imagine that as you approach the girl in the supermarket, a fanfare plays! People start looking on with admiration, and they start saying to themselves, “Look at that amazing man! He’s about to ask that girl for a coffee. I wish I was that girl!” The lights dim in the supermarket, and a spotlight picks you and the girl out! The girl sees you and smiles. As you walk towards the girl, a deep, friendly, internal voice says, “That lucky girl is going to get an opportunity to go out with me!” As you finish approaching the girl, you say, “Would you like to come with me for a coffee?” Her smile gets wider as she says, “I’d love to go with you!”

Or, imagine that you are the sexiest girl alive! As you reach for the man’s knee, he is so thrilled that he can’t take his eyes off you! A drum roll plays, crashing to a crescendo as you touch his knee. He smiles, puts his arm around you, and kisses you passionately. Everybody looking on applauds!

You may not need to take things quite as far as I have suggested. The important thing is that you visualise yourself going through these motions, and make the visualisation as colourful, as detailed and as vivid as possible. Notice as many details as you can; how the place smells, how the people look, what you can hear, how it feels when you touch the other person. Make the visualisation of the specific event that you were anxious about. If you know you will be in a situation in the future where you need confidence, you should imagine yourself being successful at that event. You may find that it helps to close your eyes.

You may have to do this exercise a few times to get it to work well, but if you keep trying this visualisation technique then you should be far more confident, come across as far more confident, and be far more likely to be successful because nothing is as sexy as confidence! It also won’t matter if you find that your advance is rejected. It becomes their loss, not yours, and you move on!

It’s worth knowing that you can apply this technique to other situations where you need confidence as well. Maybe you have to pass a driving test, or do some public speaking. The same technique will work, as you tap into the raw power of your brain, and reframe whatever you are afraid of!